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Real Social Dynamics Wiki - Controlling the conversations

Controlling the conversations

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I've come from a very Socratic school of thought, where I ask leading questions and structure both sides of a conversation to go in a direction that I want so I can make a point or reach some sort of grounds. Socrates, rather than making direct points, would ask questions of people to bring them to the conclusions he wished to elicit.

In conversing with people, rather than structuring arguments like this, it's important to pay a bit more heed to the fact that the art of conversation really is that, an art. It has two sides, but is a powerful principle nonetheless in understanding how to build your conversation into one where you can include your attraction, rapport, escalation, you name it. Essentially, you get to design the playground, and then play on it. Many people know how to say what needs to be said, but have not quite found ways to integrate it into the conversation.

[edit] Have you ever found yourself falling into a trap with basic surface question/answer type conversations? Running out of things to say? Need to figure out how to lead into a deeper conversation?

I tend to see conversations kind of like a chess game. There are wide number of responses to any maneuver, though generally limited in sanity. (Anyone can respond to E4 by moving their A pawn, but its completely off base) If you desire to reach a certain point mid game or late game, you need to structure your early game. It's the same with conversation or argument.

For instance, say you want to start a deep conversation to maybe demonstrate some value and pick the HB's brain, see what she's made out of. You want to find some way to lightly start this thread but are at a loss to how to get into it without coming straight up like "What do you think is the definition of Love?"

Some examples...

Generating a conversation...

"Are you a cat person or a dog person?" or "What's better, cats or dogs? for a group - The purpose of this question/opener is to go down the road of the conversation regarding loyalty and intelligence. Depending on your stance, there are some great points to discuss; Alot of people say dogs are more intelligent than cats because they can follow commands, but since when does obedience denote intelligence? Isn't it the opposite? Or on the flip side, does the emotional connection of a dog, and therefore in general, indicate a greater capacity for caring? etc etc

Saving a conversation...

Letting them win sometimes... - knowing when to laugh at yourself It's rather an endearing quality, something that I've had a hard time coming to grips with because I had issues always needing to be right. The best way to avert disaster when you get completely TOLD is to know when its perfectly cool to just laugh at yourself. Everyone says dumb shit once in a while, and if you keep clawing for witty responses and scrape the bottom of the barrel, you will just look like an ass. Hey, if you get GOT, admit it, it can be PART of your frame control!! Your BEHAVIOR is the key - BL, tonality, and being cool with the fact that you messed up and being unreactive. Example, I was talking to a girl about the show 24, and how I'm a fan. She sensed this being incongruent with the fact that I had already mentioned that I don't like to watch TV. All I had to say was "Haha! Yeah, you're right, but Jack Bauer is fucking badass. I love how all new people named Jack are so cool, like Jack Sparrow and Jack Skellington, it makes me proud to be named Jack! etc etc BLAH BLAH BLAH" Laugh at myself, she gets to laugh too, and DIVERT the conversation by FORKING the thread, which leads me to...

Diverting a conversation...

Mayan Architecture vs The Movies - changing threads

Recently I was describing my planned trip to Peru to ascend Machu Picchu. The HB I was talking to turned out to be pretty dense and didn't seem like she'd be interested in a thread about traveling the world to see artifacts and such... FORK the conversation quickly, I start talking about Mel Gibson's Apocalypto "Mayan shit is so cool, have you seen...?" and move the conversation into favorite movies, and eventually children's television. There are leads like this from many subjects into other ones, you just have to find them. This is a great calibration method - it lets you avoid stale topics, and instead of being very erratic by CUTTING threads, you can mold the threads into a new topic. While cutting a thread can be very beneficial, since girls tend not to think very linearly as we do, you can set up very precise subject changes that are completely unnoticable. Essentially, this will help you bridge the mental gap between the logical way your brain works and the illogical way the HB's brain works. She gets a new topic to chew on that is shiney and pretty, and you get a better base of 'where you are coming from' when you come out with it. Know this; you are giving yourself queues when you speak, not just the HB.

Just some examples of basic principles that I've got so far... some food for thought i suppose!!! I'll keep thinking on it and see if I can come back with more info and more examples next time


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